At about 5.30pm, the Hoover packed up, so I downed tools. At 6.00pm I sat on the bed and thought about how tired I felt and said to myself "maybe I should have the night off." I decided to put on my kit and that's when the trouble started. I have always been in two minds about whether to talk about my eating disorder in this blog, but I think it's important that I do, so I will (sometimes). I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. What I saw was a shapeless mound of fat, it made me recoil in horror and want to smash every mirror in the house. I got changed 4, 5, 6 times, paced from one room to another, looking in different mirrors but the reflection didn't change and there's a voice in my head screaming "Why? Why is this happening to me? Make it stop" The anorexic voice answers "because you're fat, greedy and lazy!" I know why I'm carrying some extra weight at the moment but it feels unbearable and I didn't think I could leave the house, I can't let anyone see how grotesque I look. Then my rational voice took over (this is progress) and told me not to listen, don't let it win and besides the regret I'll feel if I don't go will make me feel even worse. Within a few minutes, I was out of the front door and in my car on the way to the track. Hhhaaaa SCREW YOU........!!
O would some Power the gift to give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many blunder free us,
And folish notion:
What airs in dress and gait would leave us,
And even devotion
~ Robert Burns
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